


I'm in Love With a Man Whose Smile Is Not for Me

by Eternal_Kizuna



Category: KAT-TUN (Band), N/A (Ryo Nishikido - Jin Akanishi duet)
Genre: M/M, Monologue, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:00:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27388336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternal_Kizuna/pseuds/Eternal_Kizuna
Summary: I'm in love with a man whose smile is not for me.
Relationships: Akanishi Jin/Kamenashi Kazuya, Akanishi Jin/Nishikido Ryo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	I'm in Love With a Man Whose Smile Is Not for Me

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I’m In Love With A Man Who Loves Someone Else](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24606460) by [Moshi516](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moshi516/pseuds/Moshi516). 



> One-sided relationship without a happy ending for one vs a stable relationship of two.
> 
> Special thanks to my beloved YooLeeAna. ^^

_I'm in love with a man whose smile is not for me._

You smile a lot. You have no fear to show the world how you feel when you're happy. It's not hard to make you smile. You're easy just like that. I make you happy too sometimes when we're filming or when you insist on teaching me your English although I have no clue why, but it's nothing compared to when he calls you. I can see how your eyes shine just hearing his voice and you don't even try to hide it. I wonder if you've noticed it or not but you smile differently when it's him. I can practically see your smile lines forming in all the right places those times.

You're happy from the bottom of your heart when you're wearing that smile and I know that smile is not mine but it's always nice to see it on your face. 

_I'm in love with a man who messes around with me._

Sometimes you call me out of the blue, asking if I'm free and I'm usually not but nevertheless it doesn't take us long to be wandering out around. Sometimes it's a club. Sometimes you just feel like a drink so we go to a bar. Sometimes I treat you to dinner and sometimes we just mess around like we're still teenagers, still carefree of life and adulthood and I like those times the best. 

He's never there with us but you know, it just hurts a little bit when I have this reminder in my mind that it is him that you go back to finally when the day ends. It just hurts a little bit when I think tonight you eat a food that I've not bought for you. Or wear the clothes that are not mine. Sleep next to a body that's not me.

I have no right to be jealous, I know, but it always hurts a little bit.

_I'm in love with a man who makes me hate him without even knowing it._

Sometimes you talk about him with me. Those times when you're drunk or just feel lonely. You keep saying your stories. Tell me about your dreams. Your past. Your future plans. You're such a talkative bastard, did you know? You would go on forever if you could.

I know you don't know what it does to me but I hate you when you keep saying how much you love him. You have no idea what it feels like to hear those words from you but I can't help it when I know you don't know just when to shut up.

You're so naive and oblivious most of the time, it makes me hate you even more but maybe that's the reason why l love you in the first place, right?

_I'm in love with a man who can't speak his heart out._

I don't know who I should blame for this but I always wonder if life would be much easier if you knew how to speak freely. I'd ask you what I am to you if I were sure you'd answer straightforwardly but I know you keep struggling with words and change the topic in the end the moment I try so I don't.

You say your words can't keep up with your thoughts but I say you're just too much of a coward to say your emotions so bluntly. So you have songs for everything. For your pain, your anger, your joy, your beliefs. You have songs for your love. Do you tell him when you're writing for him or you leave it up to him to notice? 

I wonder how you would survive if you weren't a musician, sometimes.

_I'm in love with a man who's not mine._

When I'm high, I find this courage god knows from where and I show you my true feelings. Or a vague version of them at least. I put it up in a joke or do it in the name of fanservice. I try to say it with your own words so I put my love into your own song and give it back to you and let them all see me, hear me and you just laugh it off. Everyone does. 

But I know that he knows. He should know better because he's not as clueless as you. He never actually was. He just pretends, doesn't he? Or maybe he's just possessive because I said I love you and the next time I saw you, you had that bright little mark on your neck, staying there proud and prominent. He had a message and I was not blind. 

You are his.

_I'm in love with a man who is happy now._

There are times when I'm irritated with you or just I'm so fed up with myself and I drink up to the last bottle in my home. It only makes me feel worse. Pathetic even, but those times are the only chances I let myself go. I allow myself to fantasize and believe me, I'm not a cruel person, but that's when deep down I wish he'd dump you someday. My fever dream doesn't take long though. I sober up when I picture your tears, because that would break your heart, wouldn't it? You love him so much I fear you'd die just thinking about it.

So I wish I had found you sooner instead. Would you be mine if I had found you sooner than him? My heart wants to believe it but my mind doubts. He was always special to you. You treated him like he was your most precious treasure and I don't want to admit it but maybe he really was.

I can't take this happiness from you when I know how hard you tried to achieve it. When I saw you fight for it to be by his side with all you had.

I know it breaks your heart so I take my wishes back.

_I'm in love with a man who loves someone else but that's alright._

There are times that you come to me with your eyes shining, having one of those big ambitious ideas you usually have and I already know I'll regret it later for getting myself involved but I say yes when you ask me if I'm up. You fail miserably to explain yourself when I ask you about the details and you sulk when I laugh at you but that's exactly the time I don't care. Those are the times that you have that smile on your face, the smile that's not mine, when I know I don't care if you're his or mine as long as you're happy where you are.


End file.
